Today is a good day, I'm pushing forward. My oldest arrow is off for lunch and a movie with her Uncle, my little brother. He just graduated from college last week and we haven't seen him in so long. It's good for him to bond with the kids. They love their Uncle Trav. soooooo much. The other kids are very jealous of her "private uncle time" and happy for her too. I can't wait to hear about all they did!
I am going to a "homeschool" store today to buy some used curriculum. I'm trying to prepare ahead of time for next year. Trying to busy myself with things to keep my mind from feeling so lonely. I've realized that when I am idle I am lonelier, depressed, and sad. That is when the uncontrollable urge to cry all day sets in and I don't get off the bed. The kids are really feeling the loneliness because mom isn't doing a good job of keeping them busy enough. I wish I had the stamina to get up and just go, but it physically hurts most days to get up. I hate this feeling!!! I want so badly to shake it. I lay in bed at night and pray that the next day will be better, I beg God to give me the strength to get out of bed. The next day comes and the hurt over powers all other things. However, today God prevailed and won the battle this morning. I was able to get up and move. I have to force myself NOT to turn on the tv or just lay there a few more minutes.....and today we are up and the house is hopping! I pray all days could be like this, busy.
Lord, let me be busy everyday. Busy for you, busy focusing on your children and your will. Keep my hands and feet from idleness. Keep my head clear of the voices that say "its ok, try again tomorrow." Lord I know its not ok, its not your plan....help me to seek you and only you to fill the void I feel in my heart. Amen.
Showing posts with label lonesome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonesome. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lonesome.....
Yesterday it finally hit me.....and hit me HARD. In bible study we were talking about friendships....everyone was sharing how special it is to have those friends that you share everything with and you act yourself around. You know the ones I'm talking about. The friends that know you better than anyone, almost as well as your spouse. They are kindred spirits, bosom buddies as Anne of Green Gables would say, they see your feelings without words. They love you unconditionally, with all your faults, they pray for you, they are truthful even when it hurts, they make you laugh until your stomach hurts, and they cry with you when you are hurting. It's not easy to find kindred spirits like this, it takes much work, vulnerability, and patience.
I have been blessed with wonderful friendships in my adulthood, not so much in my younger years, but definitely in the past 12 years. I have been given friendships that come and go, and now I am facing friends that literally go and move. This is a first for me. I mean, yes people I know have moved away, but this is the first one that HURTS!! In December a dear friend and her family announced they are moving to Ecuador to be missionaries and about a month ago my closest and best friend found they had to move to Indiana. Really???? Two of my closest friends in 4 months!!!?? Are you kidding me?
Let me give you a little background to why this is such a big deal. Fifteen years ago I was a working, newly married woman and only 22 years old. My friends were literally girlfriends of my husbands friends and a couple coworkers. These were only "party friends" we didn't get very close or share a lot of secrets. These were not friends that I would call or go to with a problem. Then my husband and I joined a new church, they searched out a pastor and he moved his family here to my town. I fell in love with this family right away. They had 1 child and she was adorable!! Not long after getting to know this family did we find out we were expecting our first blessed child and our pastor's wife was expecting her 2nd child!!! We shared our pregnancies together and gave birth to our babes only 1 week apart!! I was so blessed to share this with her and I was so grateful that the Lord had provided me a confidante to help me in the new stage of my life/motherhood. As you can guess our babies have grown to be best friends and are now 13 years old! I have endured so much with this family....births of children, miscarriage, death, divorce, remarriage, and salvation of family and friends. As you can see, this family is very near and dear to me. Now after 15 years of knowing them, they are moving on to a new adventure. God is calling them to be missionaries! How wonderful is that???!!! However, after finding out they were moving I didn't let myself accept that they were leaving. They left the church in December, but aren't moving until May. I just knew I was going to spend every waking minute I could taking in her wisdom, sharing dinners, sharing our kids and just enjoying each others company as long as I could. Well, don't you know, life goes on and I haven't spent hardly anytime with their family. They are busy with packing, school, activities for their children, getting their house ready to sell, and a list of other things.....as well as our own family busyness. So we haven't spent as much time together as I would have liked. So....here I sit today, SAD......Lonesome, missing my friend and her family.
Now, that's just one family. There's another wonderful family that I have opened my heart to in the past 2 years. They moved here 2 years ago and I met them at church. It was at a time in my life when I didn't like to step out of my comfort zone.....I didn't like greeting people I didn't know, but someone had asked me to reach out to this family since they were new and they home schooled. I finally got up the nerve to say hello and I am so glad that I did! God was putting an opportunity in my lap and I almost passed it up!! I can't even explain to you the connection I felt right away to this family. It was INSTANT! Love at first site! LOL At the time we met them I had no idea that they would change my life forever!!!!!! She has helped me be a better mom and teacher to my kids, she has sparked my love for sewing again, she has inspired me to be healthier, she inspires me to be better organized, she sparked my love for blogging and she helped me grow spiritually!!! God really put her family in my life right when I needed them the most. There are other reasons they are so special, but not enough words or space to blog about it. About a month ago her husband was laid off and had to find work.......well, God is taking them to Indiana!!! Just when I was enjoying them the most and really loving having them around, they have to move. I know they have been here only 2 years, but I feel as though I have known them forever.
See......these 2 families have touched my life so much that I don't think I can go on without them. I'm struggling to stay afloat. I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears of saddness. After battling 9 years of depression and finally conquerring it 3 months ago, I'm scared!! I don't want to slip into the pit of darkness that I lived in for so long. These 2 women gave me hope, love, light, and showed me that there is life to be enjoyed....it's mine for the taking! Will I be able to brush this feeling off and move forward? Will I find another friend or confidante? I know that God has provided these families to begin with and He will provide again.....BUT, will my heart be willing to open back up to another journey?? It's not easy to find friends like I have with me now. I guess for now I have to be patient and wait, but man, am I lonesome.
I have been blessed with wonderful friendships in my adulthood, not so much in my younger years, but definitely in the past 12 years. I have been given friendships that come and go, and now I am facing friends that literally go and move. This is a first for me. I mean, yes people I know have moved away, but this is the first one that HURTS!! In December a dear friend and her family announced they are moving to Ecuador to be missionaries and about a month ago my closest and best friend found they had to move to Indiana. Really???? Two of my closest friends in 4 months!!!?? Are you kidding me?
Let me give you a little background to why this is such a big deal. Fifteen years ago I was a working, newly married woman and only 22 years old. My friends were literally girlfriends of my husbands friends and a couple coworkers. These were only "party friends" we didn't get very close or share a lot of secrets. These were not friends that I would call or go to with a problem. Then my husband and I joined a new church, they searched out a pastor and he moved his family here to my town. I fell in love with this family right away. They had 1 child and she was adorable!! Not long after getting to know this family did we find out we were expecting our first blessed child and our pastor's wife was expecting her 2nd child!!! We shared our pregnancies together and gave birth to our babes only 1 week apart!! I was so blessed to share this with her and I was so grateful that the Lord had provided me a confidante to help me in the new stage of my life/motherhood. As you can guess our babies have grown to be best friends and are now 13 years old! I have endured so much with this family....births of children, miscarriage, death, divorce, remarriage, and salvation of family and friends. As you can see, this family is very near and dear to me. Now after 15 years of knowing them, they are moving on to a new adventure. God is calling them to be missionaries! How wonderful is that???!!! However, after finding out they were moving I didn't let myself accept that they were leaving. They left the church in December, but aren't moving until May. I just knew I was going to spend every waking minute I could taking in her wisdom, sharing dinners, sharing our kids and just enjoying each others company as long as I could. Well, don't you know, life goes on and I haven't spent hardly anytime with their family. They are busy with packing, school, activities for their children, getting their house ready to sell, and a list of other things.....as well as our own family busyness. So we haven't spent as much time together as I would have liked. So....here I sit today, SAD......Lonesome, missing my friend and her family.
Now, that's just one family. There's another wonderful family that I have opened my heart to in the past 2 years. They moved here 2 years ago and I met them at church. It was at a time in my life when I didn't like to step out of my comfort zone.....I didn't like greeting people I didn't know, but someone had asked me to reach out to this family since they were new and they home schooled. I finally got up the nerve to say hello and I am so glad that I did! God was putting an opportunity in my lap and I almost passed it up!! I can't even explain to you the connection I felt right away to this family. It was INSTANT! Love at first site! LOL At the time we met them I had no idea that they would change my life forever!!!!!! She has helped me be a better mom and teacher to my kids, she has sparked my love for sewing again, she has inspired me to be healthier, she inspires me to be better organized, she sparked my love for blogging and she helped me grow spiritually!!! God really put her family in my life right when I needed them the most. There are other reasons they are so special, but not enough words or space to blog about it. About a month ago her husband was laid off and had to find work.......well, God is taking them to Indiana!!! Just when I was enjoying them the most and really loving having them around, they have to move. I know they have been here only 2 years, but I feel as though I have known them forever.
See......these 2 families have touched my life so much that I don't think I can go on without them. I'm struggling to stay afloat. I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears of saddness. After battling 9 years of depression and finally conquerring it 3 months ago, I'm scared!! I don't want to slip into the pit of darkness that I lived in for so long. These 2 women gave me hope, love, light, and showed me that there is life to be enjoyed....it's mine for the taking! Will I be able to brush this feeling off and move forward? Will I find another friend or confidante? I know that God has provided these families to begin with and He will provide again.....BUT, will my heart be willing to open back up to another journey?? It's not easy to find friends like I have with me now. I guess for now I have to be patient and wait, but man, am I lonesome.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Time Machine Please???
Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and do things so differently. Don't you? God gives us opportunities to step up to the plate and I seem to fail miserably every single time. I don't want to go into detail here, but please be in prayer for me.
I have been struggling with my purpose in our homeschooling life and our church. We have so many homeschooling families, I would like to see some kind of group gatherings, but I just don't know if the Lord wants this or not. I don't want the gatherings to become a gossip festival, but more of a venting, encouraging session for all of us homeschooling mommies. You know? Anyway, I am just in need of friends right now, but I feel the loneliest I have ever felt in years. Sorry for venting, I just need to get this out of my system and here seems to be the best place.
Blessings!
I have been struggling with my purpose in our homeschooling life and our church. We have so many homeschooling families, I would like to see some kind of group gatherings, but I just don't know if the Lord wants this or not. I don't want the gatherings to become a gossip festival, but more of a venting, encouraging session for all of us homeschooling mommies. You know? Anyway, I am just in need of friends right now, but I feel the loneliest I have ever felt in years. Sorry for venting, I just need to get this out of my system and here seems to be the best place.
Blessings!
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